Nancy Drew. What does she have to do world records you ask? Well, thanks to the stories of a teen who’s clearly faking crimes for attention, I was given a brilliant idea. I discovered a way I could step all over the hard work and dedication required to get a speedrun world record and cheese my way into getting multiple in a single day.
Our story starts in the summer of 2019. I was binging some speedrun videos with a friend and we came across a runner named Arglefumph who has seemingly dedicated his life to speedrunning every Nancy Drew game in existence. While pondering his motivations to run that specific gaming franchise, an idea struck me. I bet there are tons of games that barely anyone speedruns. I got to scouring the Speedrun leaderboards, looking for games that no one plays. The trick is to search for games with tons of categories so you have more options to go for.
At first, I found a game called Hamsterball Gold, which I had played as a kid. I remembered spending hours playing it at my grandparent’s house growing up. It conveniently had some empty categories, so I figured I could go for it. I mean, how hard can a hamster game from 2004 really be?
Pretty hard, it turns out. After days of practice and working my way through the game, I decided it was too much work. In typical millennial fashion, I wanted something I could pick up and within an hour have a world record on. So, I went back searching. This time I found something even easier: Plague Inc., a phone game you probably played in high school. I knew that this was my easy ticket. A free game with dozens of categories no one had attempted.
Within a couple of hours, I had done it. I had a world record speedrun in a video game. I could officially brag to people that I was a world record holder only to then disappoint them with what it was. It’s the kind of thing that you say to get someone’s attention, and when you tell them the context, they never want to speak to you again. But that’s the way I like it. A big show followed by disappointment.
I decided to keep going and quickly racked up three world records. Then, in typical millennial fashion once again, I became bored and gave up. Sadly, one of my titles was taken from me a couple of months ago, but at the time of this writing I am still the world record holder in Plague Inc Fungus and Prion – Normal.
Now go, children. Take this dumb tale and get a world record for yourselves. Perhaps beat mine. Water down what it means to have a world record even more, and enjoy the minimal benefits.